“The child brings joy, only to the woman who is capable of disinterestedly desiring the happiness of another, to one without reversion to herself, seeks to go beyond her own experience”
-Simone de Beauvoir
Many articles, books, studies perhaps have been written and published about feminism, radical feminism and motherhood; I was very excited with the thought of sharing my views and lived experience, but then the big question struck me: “Can I call myself a RadFem and be a mother? or a wife? Is it allowed?”
At the same moment, while I was trying to respond to myself a buried memory was being replayed in my head. Not so long ago, during a heated debate a woman said to me, “You are the embodiment of a housewife from the 50’s! You stay at home, tend to your children, your plants, your husband and cook homemade food, you don’t work, your husband is the sole support of the family, so how can you call yourself a radical feminist? or a feminist even?” and yes, at the moment that is what I am doing with my life, but that’s only part of the story, or who I am.
So, I put more effort in my feminist deconstruction and started looking for sources, Facebook forums, radfem groups, feminist friends and books. I would’ve liked to read tons of them before daring to write this article, but I was only able to finish the book by Jacqueline Rose “Mothers: An Essay on Love and Cruelty”, from which I selected some lines that I’ll be sharing with you at the end of this short essay. Another book that I bought for the purpose of writing this and didn’t get to read were: “Of Woman Born: Motherhood as Experience and Institution” by Adrienne Rich and “Motherhood in Patriarchy” by Mariam Irene Tazi-Preve, so if you’re interested in the subject, they should be on your list too.
In the book, “Of Woman Born”, Adrienne Rich says: “The woman at home with children is not believed to be doing serious work; she is just supposed to be acting out of maternal instinct, doing chores a man would never take in, largely uncritical of the meaning of what she does. So child and mother alike are depreciated, because only grown men and women in the paid labour force are supposed to be “productive”; literally just like I was told before. But this is only because the reality we live nowadays is pushed by neoliberal and capitalist ideologies. I, myself used to think just like that.
It has taken time, reading, introspection and deconstruction to understand that we were being sold the idea of the “perfect woman” or the way we are supposed to live our lives as adults juggling with a successful career, well paid job, raising kids and running a smart household, all that in order to have the “seal of approval” of society.
We know now, that it was never always like that because the way motherhood has been perceived in history has changed through time. Feminism has also changed and evolved as any other social movement, now we talk about it in “waves”, and since 1990 we have been living in the fourth wave.
Approaching the branch of Radical Feminism was a process for me, and I fully embrace now all the ideologies it stands and fights for. But, can you be a militant of radical feminism and a mother? I have two answers for you: Yes and No.
If we stick to radical feminist theory, which is separatist and fights for the liberation of women from all the patriarchal institutions which includes motherhood and marriage, then no. Adrienne Rich mentions it in “Of woman Born”: “The mother serves the interests of patriarchy, she exemplifies in one person religion, social conscience, and nationalism. Institutional motherhood revives and renews all other institutions”.
On the same line, Simone de Beauvoir maintained that womanhood, and by extension, motherhood, were social constructs that served as tools in the patriarchal oppression of women. She saw that the power of the patriarchal system superseded both capitalism and socialism. Therefore, she concluded that the most revolutionary act that women could perform: “to change the value system of society was to destroy the concept of motherhood”. She wanted parenthood to be a true parental choice, rather than a societal expectation.
The “Yes” answer comes from my personal experience as a mother and the fact I see motherhood as a revolutionary way of changing the world, but also thanks to the insight I’ve gathered after reading “Of Woman Born”.
But, how exactly can feminist mothers change the world you might ask? How can we raise children that don’t internalize patriarchal values?
I’d like to stay realistic but at the same time positive; It is true that every grain in our society is embedded and constructed in patriarchy, but the way we’ve been perceiving male ideology has changed. As feminist mothers, it is our wish but also our task and fight that our sons and daughters live in a world without gender roles and they are not desensitized toward misogynistic practices and become agents of change towards a better world. Just like Jaqueline Rose acknowledges in “Mothers: An Essay on Love and Cruelty: “Mothers, we might say, are the original subversives, never–what feminism has long insisted-what they seem, or are meant to be” and I really think we should stick to the subversive path of raising our children with our feminist values. It’ll take all of our tenderness, passion, trusting our instincts, gather all the courage and apprehension of our human life, our children and others to battle patriarchy, keeping in mind that isn’t motherhood that we need to abolish but every part of the patriarchal system that tends to take over our sons and daughters. And just to finish, I’d like to cite the final words of Adrienne Rich, in which she states that we: “should release the creation and sustenance of life into the same realm of decision, struggle, surprise, imagination and conscious intelligence, as any other difficult, but freely chosen work”.
Mother, lawyer, ecologist, migrant, radfem