Before I tell you how to spot gaslighting, let me begin by explaining where this term came from. In 1938, there was a stage play called Gaslight.
In this play, the husband manipulates his wife into thinking she was going insane. Overbearing and flirtatious with the servants, the husband would disappear from the house without any explanations. The lights powered by gas would dim and he would deny this even as his wife pointed it out. He convinced her that she was just imagining things.
If any of the below sound familiar to you, you may be a victim of gaslighting:
“You’re crazy – that never happened.”
“You’ve decontextualised what I said. I didn’t mean it that way.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way but I never said that.”
“Everyone agrees with me, you’re literally making this up. There’s no issue.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about. You must be imagining things.”
“That’ll never happen. There’s no issue. There have never been issues.”
“You’re overreacting. You’re going apeshit over nothing.”
It is imperative that you become aware of the signs of gaslighting as this is a form of emotional abuse. To protect yourself from male violence against women, you need to know the tactics they employ. Many domestic violence abusers use this tactic to control a person. It is hard to spot especially when someone you trust does it. It doesn’t just happen with a friend, lover or parent. It can also happen in your workplace or it can happen to an entire nation.
“To ‘gaslight’ someone is to make them constantly doubt themselves, their actions and their perception of reality. This behaviour can occur in any relationship, not just romantic ones, and is sustained over a period of time. If a victim of gaslighting raises legitimate concerns about their treatment, their abuser may turn the tables on them, deflecting any responsibility for how they feel.”
Gaslighting: How to spot it and stop it, BBC Bitesize, accessed 24th November 2020
This manipulation tactic, which involves twisting things and lying, will make you question your reality. If you attempt to call it out or confront your gaslighter, they will escalate their tactics.
They will:
Deny (I didn’t say that/That didn’t happen)
Attack (You’re hysterical/You’re insane)
Reverse (This is when the blame is shifted on the victim)
the role of the Victim
and Offender
What to do when you’re being gaslighted
- Be aware, pay attention and trust your gut
- Take notes, use a recorder, take photos, take videos. Document everything so you can see the truth for own sanity so no matter how many times they deny saying or doing something. You have a record of the truth
- Try not to get into unnecessary arguments with your gaslighter. They will never admit the truth. If they’re confronted, they will double down
- Talk to others. It’s helpful to share your feelings with others to help you understand the abusive behaviour and also to know that you are not alone
- Understand that your relationship with your gaslighter is toxic and the sooner you sever ties or reduce your interactions with this person, the better off you will be
Know your rights
Psychological abuse in relationships or coercive control is a criminal offence in Ireland.
“Offence of coercive control
39. (1) A person commits an offence where he or she knowingly and persistently engages in behaviour that—
(a) is controlling or coercive,
(b) has a serious effect on a relevant person, and
(c) a reasonable person would consider likely to have a serious effect on a relevant person.
(2) For the purposes of subsection (1), a person’s behaviour has a serious effect on a relevant person if the behaviour causes the relevant person—
(a) to fear that violence will be used against him or her, or
(b) serious alarm or distress that has a substantial adverse impact on his or her usual day-to-day activities.
(3) A person who commits an offence under subsection (1) is liable—
(a) on summary conviction, to a class A fine or imprisonment for a term not exceeding 12 months, or both, and
(b) on conviction on indictment, to a fine or imprisonment for a term not exceeding 5 years, or both.
(4) In this section, a person is a “relevant person” in respect of another person if he or she—
(a) is the spouse or civil partner of that other person, or
(b) is not the spouse or civil partner of that other person and is not related to that other person within a prohibited degree of relationship but is or was in an intimate relationship with that other person.” – Domestic Violence Act 2018, Irish Statute Book, accessed 24th November 2020
Recently, a man in Dublin was convicted of coercive control, intimidation and multiple assaults on his ex partner. She recalls, “I couldn’t even walk around the shops on my own.”
See below information from Safe Ireland and Women’s Aid about Coercive Control.
